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Forum on Relationship Issue

Click the following link:

http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-bfs-friends-dont-acknowledge-me-at-all-and-theres-more.html

Interesting Forum

Link to the Forum @ http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20081208152200AAkiPrG

BF’s friend’s wedding uninvited me?

My boyfriend’s good friend (closest to a best friend) and old roommate is getting married to his girlfriend of two years. I know both the boyfriend and the girlfriend since they first got together, and they knew that my bf and I have been together for over a year and that I have been living with him also.

We get a save the date, addressed to just my bf, but we assume it’s for both of us because it didn’t seem logical to think any other way. Over the course of the months leading up to the wedding, myself and my bf have spoken to the bride, groom, and the groom’s mother about both my bf and I attending the wedding. Nothing was really said to discourage so.

About 2 weeks (about a month away from the wedding day) ago the groom calls my bf and tells him that unfortunately I am not allowed to go. He doesn’t really say why, mumbles something about the guest list being too big, expresses his apologies and that’s that.

At first, I didn’t really mind, but the more I thought about it, the more it bothered me. I mean, my bf and I have been an established couple. They knew this. So why wouldn’t they figure I would come along with my bf to a wedding?

I tell this to my bf, he is in agreement and eventually calls the groom to say that he would like to bring me with him to at least the ceremony.

The groom replies that theirs not any room at the ceremony either. Or the reception. Pretty much they sent out invites for almost 200 people, but only had enough room for 130. So now their out of room with too many people coming. He did say that he didn’t care if I came or not, he just doesn’t want me to feel like I’m being treated unfairly.

Now, I understand that position. I helped plan and execute my sisters wedding and the invites were a nightmare to deal with, but we never had a problem with having too many people come, since we did the list in a manner where everyone we invited could bring a guest (If they even did) and we wouldn’t be crammed for space.

My boyfriend wants to go still, without me. That sort of hurts that he would go without me, even though I feel it’s a little unfair that I can’t even go. I thought my bf was really good friends with this guy, but he doesn’t want to make exceptions for one person and not everyone.

So I want my boyfriend to go, but I’m feeling a bit snubbed and annoyed that the situation even played out like this.

Are my feelings even a little justified? I’m not really holding a grudge (much :p) but it’s really annoying when you plan 6 months ahead of time for 2 people to go someplace only to find out only 1 of you can go.

My boyfriend suggested I go with him, we probably would just have to stand. I didn’t answer, but I almost don’t even want to show up at all (I think that’s being a little petty though)

So, huh. I don’t know what to do, looking for constructive suggestions.

• 2 months ago

Additional Details

So you don’t misunderstand, I was perfectly content on going to the ceremony and not the reception. After being uninvited I didn’t even plan on going. I guess I just really want to go with my bf and not sit at home wondering how the wedding is going all night. I thought I was pretty good friends with the couple and the fact that I can get bumped off the list so quickly hurts my feelings.

2 months ago

I feel bad about trying to say “It’s me or your friend!” about the wedding. I care that he is friend’s with this guy and wants to go support his wedding, but also I care that he sticks up for the fact that we are a couple. I thought we were getting pretty serious, I didn’t really consider it at that angle. Maybe I should be worried about the fact that he would go without me and be okay with that. I don’t. I feel we should be together or not – and I don’t think that’s too much to ask… He hasn’t expressed the same…oh jeez now it’s going to move on to a relationship question, heh.

2 months ago

tyrsdottir – I understand it, but they invite 70 people over. 70. That means all 130 are family? I don’t know about that. And you seem to forget the fact that they don’t NOT know about me. We’ve gone to dinner, went sledding, watched movies together. It would not be a huge surprise to see my name on the RSVP that they had plenty of time to call within days of receiving it to say “Oh by the way, no guests are allowed.”

And I think that would be rather silly to think that if my bf or myself don’t show up is going to effect their day in any way. They so much as admitted they had so many people that it wouldn’t be a big deal if either of us showed. Probably more of a relief.

In the end, there’s no real reason to cut me, other than the fact that obviously they don’t care about how it would make me feel – and didn’t think my bf would care eitiher.

2 months ago by Gamer B

Why do men watch porn??

Comments from member in the forum:

Porn has evil roots.

THe reason women hate porn is because it’s all geared to men’s fantasies and those are sometimes so far from anything you would ever do in real life that we just find it repulsive. But what matters is that YOU don’t like it, if you don’t like it and express to your porn watching husband how you feel, that should be enough to make him stop out of respect. But you see the reason he (they) don’t stop, is because some men become so disillusioned as to what REAL LIFE people are. The women in those videos/pictures ALWAYS seem to be looking right at them that at some point their brain bucket cracks and they really believe that these women are doing all this for them! They become so lost that you telling him how you feel is like a squirrel chatter in the background: He don’t hear you, don’t see you; as far are he’s concerned you’re only a wall, the intermission Men involved in pornography are all lazy, useless asses who have no positive baring on our society. They are the scum of the world, some so sick that they force children into their disgusting world of “pleasure”. THey have psychopathic tendencies as they do not care whom they hurt. I’ve known people involved in the sex “industry” and they were all abused as kids…sex, they have learned, is a TOOL, not an amazing way to connect with your trusted partner. So, my guess is that 95% of the women involved in the sex industry is where all the sexually abused children end up “working”. See, most people don’t view pornography this way. I actually had my exboyfriend tell me that the women in the “movies” were “actresses”. I actually laughed at this: JUST HOW DELUSIONAL DO MEN BECOME? THE STUPID EXCUSES THEY COME UP WITH TO JUSTIFY THIS SICKNESS? And LilSarah, just how little are you? ANd you say with so much certainty that you know why men do the things that they do? “…trying to relieve themselves”??? SHEESH, who brainwashed you? Trust me, men who LOVE porn are bad men, who will never be faithful as they consider the porn “stars” LOL as “his girls”! So when you think he’s making love to you, he’s actually doing them…and thinking about what they were doing and to whom in the videos. Last edited by businessbee; 05-31-2007 at 10:57 PM..

My question/comments:

 Those men with girlfriend or wife, have they consider about their love one when they watches all this slut in the porn site/magazine??? I hated men who watch porn, especially those who already have a wife or a girlfriend.

They have betray their relationship to their love one to all those stranger(slut women) in the porn site/magazine.

I agreed with the about comments in the forum:

men who LOVE porn are bad men, who will never be faithful as they consider the porn “stars” LOL as “his girls”! So when you think he’s making love to you, he’s actually doing them…and thinking about what they were doing and to whom in the videos.

Ya… are they thinking and fantasizing they are with the porn women they saw in the site & magazine when they are with their girlfriend/wife - or when they are holding their girlfriend/wife hands, they actually fantasizing holding the porn women hands???

Poor women, you have been so faithful in this relationship, but that what all you get.

Interesting Forum: Why Does My Mother-in-law Dislike Me?

Getting married is such a joyous occasion as a couple start out on their new life together. But lurking in the background is a formidable influence the new wife may never have banked on, her new mother-in-law. Many women are pleasant and welcoming towards their sons’ girlfriends. They may even like a few and actively encourage the relationship. But once a couple inform their respective families that they are planning to marry the mother of the groom may change from a sweet, welcoming lady, to a suspicious, meddling woman.

Why does my mother-in-law dislike me? #1 Jealousy!
It’s often a case of the green-eyed monster. Many mothers simply cannot easily relinquish the influence they have had on their sons. As an unmarried man, the son would have been more likely to turn to his mother for advice and help in his life. But with the appearance of another woman on the scene, the mother will feel her influence quickly slipping as he turns more and more to the new woman in his life for support. A new wife will be able to sense if her mother-in-law is jealous of her if she is cold and ignores her for no apparent reason. It can be very annoying trying to work out where she has gone wrong. But it does not usually help to come out and ask. A quick “nothing” from the mother-in-law will soon put paid to any further inquiry. So unless the daughter-in-law was aware of a specific reason why she offended her mother-in-law, it is safe to assume that she was being ignored through no actual fault of her own.

Why does my mother-in-law dislike me? #2 My son deserves better

How many mothers would attest to the fact that no woman has ever been good enough for their son? Perhaps each girlfriend was carefully analysed and found wanting. She did not receive a higher education, her job was too menial. Sometimes mothers just do not approve of their prospective daughter-in-law because they believe she cannot cook, clean or perform other tasks as well as she can. In their mind, this means that their son is not being taken care of properly.

Why does my mother-in-law dislike me? #3 What about me?
This is closely tied in with #1. Even mothers who are pleased to see their sons settle down and get married may feel insecure about where that leaves them. Will their sons still call and visit? How often will they get to see them and for how long? Some mothers genuinely believe that once their sons get married, the wife will want their son all to themselves and this may upset them. They may then retaliate by playing mind games and making life difficult for the new wife.

Many daughters-in-law have a long road ahead of them and they must tread carefully so that they can help to balance the peace and harmony of the family. It is not easy when a new wife finds everything she does criticised, as she is “corrected” by her new mother-in-law. This can even extend as far as meddling with the upbringing of the grandchildren. But one thing she must always remember is that she is the joint decision maker, along with her husband in her own household. That means that the mother-in-law can apply her own rules in her home, but she has no right to impose her rules in her son and daughter-in-law’s home. Once the mother-in-law is aware of that, she will see that there is a line that she must not cross if she wishes to stay on good terms with her son and daughter-in-law. A mother-in-law can give advice. But the daughter-in-law is under no obligation to take it. After all, she is a grown woman and does not need to be treated like a child. Over time, many mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law have been able to form a close relationship. It is not that unheard of!

Interesting Forum @ http://forums.catholic.com/showthread

QUESTION: 

RE: how to deal with son’s girlfriend

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I am a 37 yr old mom my son is 20 he has a girlfriend that is 17 will be 18 this august. i feel she is pulling our son away from us. we had a very close relationship but now things have change. I have tried to get along with her but than she starts to say mean things about us behind our backs with her family. My son seems to believe her and not us. what should i do he is going to marry her.

 

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Answer:

Your son is now an adult. He must leave his parents and cleave to his wife. (Genesis 2:20-25) This is normal and natural.

When an adult child leaves his parents, it is an emotional rollercoaster – on the one hand, you are happy that he is a successful adult; you did your job and you did it well, since he is no longer tied to Mamma’s apron strings. On the other hand, your little boy is gone forever, and you are in mourning for that little boy that you will never see again.

It is also very natural to be jealous of his girlfriend, since she is about to take your place in his heart, but this is the way of things – it is the circle of life, and without it – if he stayed yours forever – your family would come to an end and cease to exist.

Adulthood Damage From Having a Smother Mother

A personal story in the experience: An Adult Child With a Smother Mother – Author: smartiecats

 

I stand here at age 30, healthy, sane and without shady life activities. I can cook healthy meals, get dressed, go to school, etc. Other parents wouldn’t see me as being frail, unhealthy, at risk or worthy of being wrapped in wool. Feelings of dread are experienced when my cell phone says, “last call from….” and my mother ‘s name pops up. The past will come back… I think, as my heart sinks. My mom may be visiting me. Why is this such a big deal? 

       I have lots of kudos for parents who care, because there are parents who don’t care for their kids.  When the care is too much smothering,prologned over years, and unreasonable for an adult child, it becomes debilitating. The messaged accrue over time, and somewhere within me, I just may hear her say, “are you sure you can do this?” as I close myself off from all sorts of challenges out of fear. I could have gone to dental school. “Are you sure you can handle the tough course load? I don’t think you can”.  Things become dangerous, activities become dangerous, exclusions from peers, when life can be enjoyed and challenges embraced. Psychotherapy itself doesn’t fight mom’s anxiety embedded in my psyche, and I’m feeling increased resentment towards this upbringing which appears pretty in the public, “your mom sacrifices a lot for you. Listen to her”. It differs from what really goes on- my mom’s loneliness, enmeshed lifestyle, and her desire to keep me a child forever in an unhealthy sense. Where I move to, she has to buy property . Is that GREAT? no- it damages a child FOR LIFE! hear me out public!

Mail from mom is filled with article clippings of crime in the area. I mentioned casually that I will be taking a trip, and instantly she mails me stuff: mosquito repelent, guide books, phrase guides, health recommendations. Things I’ve already done and thought about using my adult brain, as most healthy adults should. “Bikes are dangerous. don’t ride your bike”. “I’ll pay for….” “You need some eye cream. You’re getting fine lines around your eyes”. A deep sigh, as if it’s a life long illness. It’s the high blood pressure when I’ve been sick as normal healthy adults get once in a while with the stomach bug. It’s her squirming posture when she sees me hold a kitchen knife to julienne carrots. It’s her hand in public, primping me- my hair, the stain on a shirt, or placing it on my leg that taps sometimes. Her telling me how to talk to contractors and movers when I can come up with my own scripts.  I get angry and brush her off, she reminds me of how I’m tied to her for life, and how dependent she is on me, and the strings pull tighter with the next purchase such as a cup of coffee . “Thanks for the coffee, mom”. “Remember not to forsake me”. The voice mail messages that go on about how something is unsafe and I should avoid it. I’m smothered, and at times as evil as it may seem, I envision a life free from my mom. I feel peaceful at that thought of her being gone.

If society can learn something from my story, it’s that “smothering does no good”. It created an adult in the image of my own mother who had a harder time coping with general life’s minor scrapes and cuts . I became anxious of things and activities people around here do without my thoughts such as riding a bike, hiking in wild dense terrain, swimming in a lake, tackling textbooks of difficult coursework, holding a job and keeping my home organized. The sensitivity cast me as a recluse, an introvert less likely to trust others , un resilient piece of plastic, fear of close female friends for fear that they will be as needy. Mom’s anxiety ridden smother comments rest in my head: “I will help” she says my whole life and my thoughts subconsciously does a bad translation, “I need help because I can’t do this, I heard it all my life”.

My origins in life as a humble zygote began with a lonely, depressed, naive mother who needed someone apart from a loser husband. “I had you because I needed a life purpose.I wanted your dad to change”. Dad didn’t change- moral number two: have children for very good logical reasons. Single mother hood when the strings were tightened around me during my development when peers played tumble at playgrounds, slid down waterslides, swam laps. I was hearing mom’s messages and held so tight in cotton I couldn’t move in life.  I had minimal friends, no social life and just being mom’s “toy” to console her- the “mini-me” to dress and primp.

What is the future for the bleak story I just poured out to you? It may be a learning experience for others who grew up similarly and struggle as a result. I’ve come up with a provisional solution to all this nonsense. Mom will not change, and assertive dialogues would damage her fragile ego to get her ranting again and I’ll have to listen to her gunny sack me with past hurts over the last 30 years.  (bad plan) plan two: distance myself from her, spend no more than a week together over holidays. Be very careful with all information I disclose by keeping 95 percent of it to myself, and revealing only what is necessary to sustain a moderate relationship. White lies have been a necessity to get the distance and privacy I need in order to stay sane. Plan 3 is my life long project to be entirely different from her in every way. I will not be a mother and I WILL NOT BE MY MOTHER!